Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this