Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least