Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My dad teaching me to drive
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport