[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven