And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date