Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
the noise i just made
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.