As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!