Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
You Might Also Like
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Did I do this right
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively