Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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ME: finally a program for me
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint