SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
this is funnier than any friends episode
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Worth remembering.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.