How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Nobody:
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.