[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.