Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.