her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
This kid is a star!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic