I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Every work meeting this week
sensitive skin
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.