I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
found my next D&D character name
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My support group can outdrink your support group.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute