My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied