Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.