[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.