I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?