Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.