I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.