Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like