[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I am crying
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
How to draw a duck
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?