The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!