6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Not all heroes wear capes….
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*