My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
You Might Also Like
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
i want to work in this restaurant
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.