“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]