Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
You Might Also Like
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.