Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.