longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Gemma Correll
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.