Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no