I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
is this store having a stroke wtf
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence