My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
You Might Also Like
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*