Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m calling the cops.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Nothing.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists