[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
#FunnyLife Insects
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra