This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
It’s a gift
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”