An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You Might Also Like
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️