My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing