[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?