Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
When he asks for feet pics
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume