People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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They did not miss in the small print
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
$3 #books
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Holy moly
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’d use my best pan on you.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.