*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away