I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
You Might Also Like
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
This could’ve been an email.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
our love story in four pictures
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I ate everything, including the H.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy