In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.