If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.