You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
gentlemen, hear me out
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”