That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
You Might Also Like
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: