Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
accurate
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.