I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
happy friday
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like